Corrie ten Boom, author of The Hiding Place, was taken captive and spent time in Nazi concentration camps during World War II. She tells stories of the filth and horrendous conditions, of how she and her fellow captives were herded like cattle, strip-searched, and abused.
The prisoners would intentionally let lice breed on their bodies, because the more lice they had, the less the guards would molest them. And in one of those brutal prison camps, Corrie’s frail sister died.
After the war, God sent Corrie ten Boom on a mission of mercy. As she traveled through the war-torn cities, she encouraged the residents to choose forgiveness. She would share the atrocities she had been through, implying, “If I can forgive, so can you.”
In a meeting one night, a man she immediately recognized came walking down the aisle. He had been a particularly cruel guard in one of the camps. He didn’t recognize her. (She was just another one of the cattle he’d herded through.)
Approaching Corrie, he said, “Fraulein, you don’t know me, but I was a guard in one of those camps. After the war, God saved me. I wish I could go back and undo those years. I can’t, but I’ve just been prompted by God to come tonight and ask you, would you please forgive me?” Then he extended his hand to her.
Corrie ten Boom said that for a moment her arms froze at her side. She couldn’t move. Flashbacks rose vividly in her mind-all the atrocities, the death of her sister, the abuse . . . Then God’s Spirit said to her, “Corrie, what have you been telling everyone else to do? As an act of your will, will you choose to forgive?”
She recalled, “I reached out my hand, and I put it in his, and I said, ‘You’re forgiven.'” She later reported, “It was like a dam broke loose—all the bitterness and resentment—and God set me free.”
As I’ve travelled across North America challenging people to forgive, I’ve encouraged people to take these five
steps toward freedom. If you will take them in faith, I believe your life will be forever changed.
1. Make a list—Make a list of the people who have wronged you.
If you’ve been harboring bitterness, this list won’t be difficult to generate. Family members, friends, neighbors, co-workers, former employers, pastors, ministry leaders . . .list whoever has caused you pain or grief.
Be honest with God and with yourself. You can’t take the steps of forgiveness if you haven’t acknowledged the need.
2. Clear your conscience—Confess to God, and then the offender, any wrong responses you may have had (e.g. hatred, bitterness, gossip). (Acts 24:16)
Jesus taught that we should deal with offenses quickly and personally. While we cannot control what happens to us, we are responsible for our responses.
In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus lays out a simple plan to resolve conflicts with other Christians. When someone sins against you, first go and lovingly confront the guilty individual. If that meeting goes nowhere, have another one, this time with two witnesses. Finally, if the person refuses to repent, bring the issue to leaders of your church. (Notice what Jesus doesn’t say: Share the issue as a prayer request with your small group, ask three friends for counsel, call the pastor and express concern, or vent to your spouse and kids.)
When we fail to walk through the process Jesus outlined, we disobey His direct command. If that’s the situation you find yourself in, confess your wrongdoing to God and to others as necessary. Then go back and start at step one.
3. Thank God—Thank God for each person who has wounded you. (1 Thess. 5:18)
Like it or not, God has used the people on your list to humble you and to mold you to the image of Jesus. The Bible says, “In everything give thanks,” not just, “In the good times,” or, “When you feel thankful.” You might pray, “God, I don’t fully understand why I was hurt, but I trust You. As an act of my will, I thank You for these people and for whatever You can teach me through them as I work through this list.”
I’m not asking you to give thanks for sins that were committed against you. I’m asking you to give thanks for the fact that God is bigger than everyone else and their sin, and that He can take what others meant for evil and use it for good.
4. Choose to forgive—As Christ has forgiven you, fully forgive each offender. (Eph. 4:32)
Make a commitment to clear the other person’s record—forever. Whenever your mind brings up the offense, renew your forgiveness. Choose to never mention it again, just as we trust God to fully forgive the sins we have committed against Him.
After Jesus’ instructions in Matthew 18, Peter asked the question that all of us wonder about: “How often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Wouldn’t that be pretty gracious, Lord?
Jesus answers, “Peter, I’m not asking you to forgive seven times. I’m commanding you to forgive seventy times seven times.”
What? So, every time someone hurts us, we get out a little book and say, “Okay, that’s the 432nd time, buddy; when we hit 491, you’ve got it coming!”? Obviously, Jesus is illustrating that there is no limit to the breadth of our forgiveness.
Most of us aren’t wronged 490 times by the same person, but we do think about the wrong that was done that many times. We see reminders all around us; and every time, we have to choose between bitterness and forgiveness.
That’s why I teach that forgiveness is not a one-time act. It’s not that you just forgive somebody one time, and you say, “That takes care of that.” It requires forgiving them every time you think about it—490 times. Or more.
5. Rebuild relationships—Confirm your Christian love to the people on your list. (2 Cor. 2:8)
Look for ways to return good for evil. We do this by investing positively in the lives of those who have wronged us. You repay the damage they have caused, just as God sent His Son “while we were yet sinners” (Rom. 5:8). He came looking for us when we should have come looking for Him.
In Jacksonville, Florida, I met a woman whose husband had been stationed aboard the USS Starke. Years ago, the ship was fired on by an Iraqi jet fighter. Thirty-eight men were killed, including her husband.
She said, “God has shown me this week that I need to make the greatest investment where I have the greatest potential for bitterness.” She continued, “My greatest potential for bitterness is toward the Iraqi people, because they killed my husband.”
Her step of obedience? She sold her house, took her son, and moved to Iraq—to serve people with Christ’s love.
I want to encourage you to take a moment to get alone with God. Perhaps He is speaking to your heart about bitterness, and you need to respond to Him.
“God, this was written for me. I’ve been bitter, and right now, I’m going to choose, as an act of my will, to forgive—to take these five difficult, necessary steps. I thank You for that person, for that circumstance, for that situation; and I choose to trust You for the grace and power to respond as Jesus would. With Your help I want to move from bitterness to forgiveness, and then on to joyful freedom.”
But I Can’t Forgive . . .
The person who hurt me doesn’t deserve forgiveness!
Actually, that’s the whole point. If the person has to earn his way back into your favor, we wouldn’t call it “forgiveness.” Imagine if God measured His willingness to forgive you in this manner. (Ephesians 2:8-9)
If I forgive, he gets off scot-free.
Absolutely not. By forgiving someone, you turn them over to the justice of God. He will hold every human being responsible for their actions, good or bad. If you forgive, you’ll be the one who goes free, not the offender.
(2 Corinthians 5:10)
I could never forget the evil that was done to me.
Whoever said that forgiveness equals forgetfulness must not have experienced much heartache in life. Forgiveness doesn’t mean your mind erases the bad memories. It means that you choose not to “remember them against” the person—you choose not to bring up the issue before the offender or others, ever again. You must learn to live as if it is forgotten, just as God has done with your sin against Him. (Jeremiah 31:34)
My painful feelings are too intense.
Letting go is an act of the will, not of the emotions. We will never be free from anger until we first make the decision to release the individual from his debt to us. It may take time, but feelings of forgiveness and the ability to move on will come, as we choose daily to follow Christ. (Colossians 3:12-15)
The person never said he was sorry.
Your willingness to obey God shouldn’t depend on someone else’s confession of wrongdoing. Forgiveness is an attitude, a way of life. Jesus commanded us to love our enemies, to do good to those who harm us. Decide that you will extend forgiveness to anyone who hurts you, even if they remain unrepentant. (Luke 6:35-36)